15. Breakup (Epilogue)

The start of June 2019 couldn’t have been more polarising if it tried.

For the first time in a long time, I thought I had it all mapped out and was determined to channel more commitment and energy into my relationship with Katie than ever before, but it was too little too late. My moment of grace and sense of pride in finally having the album in the bag was short-lived as all of a sudden my personal life was thrown under the bus and now demanded a proper examination with the announcement that Katie did indeed want to call time on our 7 year relationship. 

Admittedly, the two of us knew that our relationship may have been guilty of sleep-walking at times into the barren plains of mediocrity. Little tell-tale signs were there of late and it had crossed my mind on several occasions as to whether her love for me had simply just burnt out like a candle as I childishly continued to clamour for any remaining twitches of enthusiasm, affection and attention. Unreturned phone calls, a lack of desire to do anything but co-exist, predictable and unstimulating conversations were just some of what were on the cards. And yet, it was still so easy to turn a blind eye and convince myself that it was ok; we just needed to ‘try a little harder.’ She was and still is an incredible human-being and we most certainly had shared some of the best moments of our lives with each other. 

The foundations of our companionship were built on ambitious schemes, unpredictable challenges and a mutual love for football and music, all heavily complemented by reliable doses of trust and teamwork. We’d spent our years busying ourselves with adventures and travel plans that took us all over the world, ultimately culminating in the shared experience of living in a van and touring Europe, throughout which we adapted seamlessly to the trials and tribulations that were thrown our way.

She had the patience of a saint and couldn’t have been more supportive of me if she tried, even if it meant being dragged into the wake of my general frustrations as a struggling independent musician.  She also integrated herself into my family with grace and left a huge impression on my siblings in particular. Likewise, I was welcomed into hers and was able to comfortably hang out with her parents as well as become close friends with her older brothers. 

We had prioritised projects and adventures over traditional relationship commitments and some of those decisions lead us to the highest of highs, but in the end to the lowest of lows. 

Of course now, with the benefit of hindsight, it’s easy to say ‘I could have and should have been better to her’ but I can’t harbour any regrets or complaints about her decision. In fact, I now give her more respect and kudos for taking action and addressing her sense of frustration and inadequacy within our relationship rather than simply meandering through apathetically; which most certainly would have been the easier option. We may have just been perfect partners for a particular point in our lives. 

It’s amazing how life can just hit-you-for-six without any real warning. Initially I tried to play it cool and busy myself with all things album-related but underneath I was a rudderless ship, unable to make proper sense of the situation. A classic case of denial. Initially I felt betrayed, then I convinced myself that I was defiant and didn’t need her anyway, before feeling pretty low and finally accepting the whole thing for what it was - I had lost my lover, partner, but above all - best friend. 



Suddenly, the writing on the wall, 

Suddenly, the light began to fall, 

Steadily, what is is not at all,

And the cause is sometimes no-ones fault,

Suddenly, a darkness in the sky, 

Suddenly, the birds began to fly, 

This is not what we had in mind, 

You have suffered one too many times,

What do I know?

What do I see?

A lot of long road in front of me,

The gathering clouds,

Are threatening now, 

And I can not control what is happening, 

Suddenly, the writing on the wall, 

Suddenly, the tears began to fall, 

Does it mean -  what is is not at all? 

I am swimming in my darkest thoughts and swallowing the salt, 

Gather my soul,

Gather my feet, 

A lot of unknown ahead of me, 

Falling apart,

Slipping into the dark, 

And I can not control what is happening, 

I can not control what is happening. 

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