12. Breakdown (Out of the Woods)

And then it hit me. I’d played a couple of gigs over a particular weekend to a total audience of about 20 people; the second of which consisted of playing to five people before a group of four left half way through leaving me to play in front of one old pissed guy who as I was packing away, suggested I’d find my place in music if I tried my luck in Tenerife. Playing gigs to empty rooms was nothing new to me and I knew what I’d signed up for as a full-time pub-gigging musician but these nights were borderline tragic.

I got home pretty late that night and managed to catch a few hours of sleep before getting up again with the intention of doing a few chords before pressing on with new material.

The week leading up had been a massive struggle thanks to a considerable amount of Hyperhidrosis related stress as it severely impacted any momentum or creative flow I may have gathered in my work.

That morning, Katie pressed for answers to see if everything was ok and after considering my response, I took the most honest approach I could when the dam suddenly broke. I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on as my reaction was so out of character.

The tears were a release and perhaps on further reflection represented years of bottled up frustration and struggle having culminated with a particularly unproductive, uninspired and debilitating week. Everything had come to a head.

It use to baffle me as to how people could allow themselves to get so down. Having always been a dedicated and driven musician, I thought I’d always have a creative balm ready to hand should my emotions and wellbeing be challenged.

Regardless, it was clear that I’d obliviously walked into a situation where was I was skint, physically uncomfortable, lonely, unsuccessful, low on self esteem and had no one I can could truly talk or relate to. Even my relationship with Katie had become mundane, monotonous and unfulfilling, particularly when compared to the time spent endlessly suspended in love and adventure.

Though we were there for each other, there were signs that we weren’t complimenting each others’ characters or feeding ourselves with the things we used to thrive on.

Finally, chipping away at the back of my head was the pressure and deadline of the second and final recording session being just around the corner. I knew I was still missing a song or two to really compliment the body of work I’d already amassed despite recording around 40 demos. The tap had run dry and I wanted to press pause on life, my relationship and the world.

--------------------------------------------------------


Out of the Woods

I’m only spilling my guts, are you not entertained?

Walked through the fires of hell to be here again,

Raise up my body and throw me out to the wolves,

Stuck in the middle and trapped in a circus of fools,

Darling I need a break, I’m tired and hopeless,

Underwhelmed, underpaid, I’m all out of focus,

I just wish you and me could get away somewhere,

Anywhere, out there, somewhere, together,

What are we doing here? What am I putting us through?

The puppet can play but he don’t want to play by the rules,

Lift up my body and lower me into the ground,

I sleep with my demons, tonight I will drink til I drown,

Darling I need a break, I’m tired and hopeless,

Underwhelmed, underpaid, I’m all out of focus,

I just wish you and me could get away somewhere,

Anywhere, out there, somewhere, together,


Let’s get out the woods darling and head for the clearing,

Set light to indecision and remember the feeling,

We all have our moments, we all have our reasons,


I’m just a stranger, afraid and alone in this town,

What better time than to kick a man when he is down.


Darling I need a break, I’m tired and hopeless,

Underwhelmed, underpaid, I’m all out of focus,

I just wish you and me could get away somewhere,

Anywhere, out there, somewhere, together.

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